Humourous · Page 2

Where did I put my spectacles
I'll have to squint instead
A Yes, I remember where they are
They are sitting on top of my head

Looking for the remote control
That works my television
I have to find my glasses first
Because I have poor vision

Well I found my glasses first
And then the channel changer
But when the TV is on again
I was in fear and mortal danger

You see, first there was loud gun fire
I change channels and there is a murder
A monster and green aliens next
I'm too scared to move any further

Strawberry picking is so much fun
There is plenty of fruit for everyone
One in the basket and one for me
If I eat any more, I won't eat my tea

Raspberries, Gooseberries and Blackcurrants galore
Picking fruit, do I need any more?
I have filled lots of baskets full of ripe fruit
Now I can't fit them into my old car boot

Have you been to a Supermarket
And got a dodgy trolley?
One that goes in all directions
So you steer just like a Wally

Well I had one this morning
That steered into a shelf
And then into a pile of cans
I couldn't control it myself

An assistant tried to help me
Before all the fruit I crush
It took me ages to get round
Good job I wasn't in a rush

I sit alone for hours
Sitting among the flowers
I sit with my fishing rod
And they say my name is Tod
Guess what I am?

I am a little gnome
I haven't got a home
So cannot laugh or squeak
I never learnt to speak
And I haven't caught a blooming fish all week!

Oh No, I've got to watchout for another
Another motorist out on the road
I think maybe I'll stay at home
While you swat up on the Highway Code

Doing the weekly shop
I got me quite a shock
I didn't mean to spend so much
But I couldn't resist the stock

I mustn't eat it all at once
But make it last all week
An extra bit here and another one there
Oh I wish I wasn't so weak

When I go shopping it sounds absurd,
I'm always looking for a green glass bird,
in and out of shops I go,
I'm afraid the answers always 'No'
And then one bright and sunny day,
when I was shopping in Broadway,
In a charity shop perched on a shelf,
Was a tiny bird all by himself,
He wasn't glass but he was green,
One of the cutest birds I've ever seen,
So I thought "I'll buy that little chappie,
He'll make my best friend Cynthia so happy.

The sun is shining through the trees
It's such a lovely day
I really should go for a walk
Second thoughts, I think I'll stay

It's nice and cosy by the fire
I feel as warm as toast
It's not the toasty feel I need
The excerise I need most

I have to do the laundry
I have to clean the floor
And now there is someone
Knocking on the door

Will I ever finish
Before it's time for tea
I've got a million jobs to do
And it's already half past three

The kids will be home shortly
They will want their snacks and drink
I wish I had some extra time
To give myself time to think

I am going to my club tonight
To meet up with my chums
I'll have some tea and natter
Just like the other mums

We will talk about our babies
We will talk about our men
We never seem to notice time
My goodness, it's half past ten

I'm going on my holiday
I'm flying far away
And by the time I get there
It will be another day

It will be very confusing
'What day is it?' I'll say
I think I will be mixed up
But I will still enjoy my stay

Hanging out the washing
Pegging it on the line
Rushing to the shops
I never have the time
To sit and chat or watch TV
There's never time for me
I wish that time would just hold back
To have a cup of tea.

I'm sure if there was a prize in the Bingo
For the least numbers to win
I think I would win every time because
There's a winner before I begin

Would you believe it, I'm on a diet
They said I would lose lots of weight
Well I've been doing it for weeks now
It can't be for all the food that I ate
I haven't lost an ounce yet
'Can you believe it?' is what I say
They said try a special see food diet
So I eat all the food I see every day
THIS DIET DOESN'T WORK!

I know a man who went to the pub
To get a pint of beer
His wife went to look for him
But the barman said 'He ain't here'

She knew he was spinning her a line
'Cause she knew where he would have been
'Just ask him to come home on time
Or his dinner will be in the bin'

I found my specs upon my head
I had hunted high and low
Why put them up upon my head?
That is what I'd like to know

It's not as if my eyes are on my head
And they didn't help me see
I could have gone out with them up there
So, don't do the same as me

Don't you just love your kids
When they tell you you are not trendy
Don't you just love your kids
When they tell you you don't dance properly
Don't you just love your kids
When they tell you you embarrass them
Well don't worry, just remember
One day their kids will tell them the same thing

When I'm driving in my car
It starts to make a noise
I would never part with my car
But then it's one of the joys

You see I love my little car
My old friend does have a fault
We never seem to get very far
Before it comes to a halt

Oh what a terrible thing
I made you a cake for your tea
But as it came out of the oven
Something came over me

I thought what am I doing
I'm baking a cake for his / her tea
'Cause just in time I remembered your diet
So I am keeping the cake for me
Sorry! But have a nice day

You know you are getting old,
When all your friends,
Have to put on their magnifying glasses,
To read the price on the Supermarket Isle.
Proud to be part of the Oldies Club

Sitting in the garden
Soaking up the sun
Should I do some housework?
No, tomorrow it can be done!

When I can get started
I love to make a card
In next to no time
And it's not very hard

I would much rather do that
Than housework or ironing
You get to sit and relax
While you create a beautiful thing