Humourous Verses

Showing 1 - 24 of 296 Verses
Every Wrinkle Tells A Story
Submitted By Diamond Crafts
Don't worry about how old you are,
Stand up and be so proud,
Every wrinkle tells a story,
It's ok to stand out in a crowd,
So celebrate this occasion,
As birthdays are so much fun,
So really just let your hair down,
It's fine to have yet another one!
Modern Science!
Submitted By Celia Clare
Now I lay me down to sleep
My glasses in their case I'll keep
My teeth in a glass of Steradent
I think it's time the old wig went

The padded bra's left on the chair
Oh no! another long grey hair
My wooden leg's dropped on the floor
the glass eye's rolled off to the door

The hearing aid is in it's box
The dog's just ran off with my socks
A perfect end to a perfect day
Ah, modern science that's the way

You may be old and hard to start
But they'll have just the right spare part
Rugby Crazy
Submitted By Yvonne Pears
A lot of men chase a funny shaped ball
Looks just like a big drunken brawl
They spend their time lying down on the ground
Hiding the ball so it cannot be found
They all crouch down, have a hug and a touch
This 'sport' - it really is too much
They kick and thump and roll about
That's when the referee - he starts to shout
Then, somehow they manage to score a 'try'
After a fight for the ball with some guy
The game is over I'm glad to say
To me it was just a waste of a day
You Have Another Birthday?
Submitted By Diamond Crafts
You have another birthday?
I can't believe it's true,
You don't look another day older,
People wouldn't have a clue,
So don't try and hide your age,
You have nothing to fear you see,
For your beauty transcends the very years,
That have been so kind to you!
Who Is Counting The Years?
Submitted By Diamond Crafts
Another year older?
Who is counting the years?
Let's forget all the trauma,
Let's dry up the tears,
For everyone gets older,
It's how you deal with you see,
So stop counting grey hairs,
And allow wrinkles to be,
Get on your glad rags,
Your lippy, high heels,
Let's get out that door,
You're as young as you feel!
In Despair
Submitted By Hilda Mullinger
Oh I wish I didn't like fattening things
Or a delicious large glass of wine
I am trying to get slim by dieting
But my husband wants to eat out all the time

When will I ever get to be slim
With so many good things to choose
I can put on a pound in one night
Then it takes another three weeks to lose
Where Are My Bingo Numbers?
Submitted By Hilda Mullinger
Where are my Bingo numbers
I beg you Crafty Bob
I look each day to mark them off
But you're not doing a very good job
I am sure you have lost my numbers
I rarely see them there
I don't want to win a fortune
But it would be only fair
I missed out on the Bob Pot
Just the other day
If I had known you were going to choose me
I wouldn't have gone away
My Wobbly Trolley
Submitted By Hilda Mullinger
I had a wobbly trolley
When I went to the store
It went in all directions
As I steered it through the door

At first it started sideways
Then veered off to the right
It was such a struggle
I held on with all my might

I said to the store Manager
"This trolley is a load of tat"
He said "Don't worry love
I've got a hundred more like that".
What I Say Now
Submitted By Hilda Mullinger
When I've finished dieting
I shall be nice and slim
I won't be having burgers
Or ice cream on a whim

Well that is what I say now
I've been known to change my mind
But if the scales shout 'over weight'
The diet sheet I will find
Does This Happen To You?
Submitted By Hilda Mullinger
Do you find that always
As soon as you start to craft
You have to stop what you are doing
Because the kids start acting daft

Then someone wants to eat
You have to stop again
You just can't get on with your hobby
They are driving me insane
Wicked!
Submitted By Celia Clare
Now I lay me down to sleep
My bra and knickers in a heap
The skirt and jumper's on the chair
A load of curlers in my hair
The old cold cream I dare not miss
Then turn to him, say 'Give us a kiss!'
A look of horror, then of shock
Runs to the bathroom, turns the lock
Another night of peaceful rest
you know the old ways are the best!
A Mouse With Attitude Problem
Submitted By Celia Clare
I'm a mouse who's come to stay
Your pussy wont chase me away
You'll never catch me in a trap
I'm way to smart for all that c**p (flap)

Oh Yeah, you'll find my calling card
The places I get to will astound
I really am so very sweet
So just don't scream if we should meet
Winning The Lottery
Submitted By Hilda Mullinger
I had all the numbers the bonus ball too
I dreamed I bought a big house and a car that was new
But when I woke up and looked all around
There was a different scene that I found

I hadn't won the lottery I didn't have a new car
But the dream that I dreamed was the best so far
My house was still the same size, I had the same door
And my numbers weren't there, just like before
Been Fishin'
Submitted By Yvonne Pears
So, is this what it's all about?
Was it worth it? Where's the trout?
Walking miles to find the spot
Where you think you'll catch a lot
you wait... and wait... and wait... and wait
They didn't even touch the bait!
You sat all day and dangled your string
And you didn't catch a single thing
Then you fall asleep and dream
That you've just caught a big fat Bream!
A Day Of Good Fun?
Submitted By Yvonne Pears
This is a game that is known as cricket
A man stands in front of some sticks called 'the wicket'
There's another man dressed in a white coat and hat
Watching the ball when it's hit by a bat
He waves his arms to advise of a score
That's it from him, he doesn't do more
A man chucks a ball to the man with the bat
He hits the ball, Oh wow look at that!
Then along with his bat he takes a short run
And this is what's classed as a day of good fun!
It's A Sad Life
Submitted By Yvonne Pears
Men on a field aimlessly kicking a ball
Give it two minutes, one's bound to 'fall'
Each end of the field there's a thing called a goal
These are made up of some string and two poles
The aim is to get the ball in 'the goal'
Not difficult cos it's a really big hole
But they kick the ball all over the place
And the rest of the men join in with the chase
One man is knocked over and - look - what a whimp!
He's after attention so he hops and he limps
A man comes along with the magical sponge
he's suddenly ok after a dab with some gung
If a player's offside the goals disallowed
You should hear the boos and groans from the crowd
When they DO score 'a goal', the crowd shout and cheer
So the players, they think they've earned a few beers
Yet people support this boring game
They're really sad, it's such a shame
I Wish
Submitted By Wendy Rice
I wish I had a fat bum
A fat bums rather neat
It would stop my trousers
From falling to my feet
Oh, Those Wobbly Wheels
Submitted By Hilda Mullinger
Do you ever get that trolley
The one with the wobbly wheels?
The one that wants to go its way
Well, you know just how it feels

I had that wobbly trolley
Today when I did my shop
It went in all directions
It really kept me on the hop

First it steered into the aisle
The one stacked with tins of beans
They crashed into another pile
You've never seen such scenes
I'M GOING TO GET A BASKET NEXT TIME!
No Credit Today
Submitted By Hilda Mullinger
Don't you just love it
When you go off to the shop
You go to pay for the goods
And your heart begins to stop
You have to pay with your credit card
And find you have left it at home
So you dash to the bank
To see if they'll give you a loan
Now, back home you go without the goods
Did you really want that dress?
The shoes and matching handbag
The jacket and the rest?
YES!!
Problems With My Car
Submitted By Hilda Mullinger
I'm having problems with my car
It doesn't sound too good
It makes a cough and a splutter noise
I would fix it if I could

If only I knew the problem
But I'm not a car mechanic
I can only drive the blessed thing
If it splutters, then I panic
Peace And Quiet
Submitted By Hilda Mullinger
The house is quiet
There's no one about
Ah! Peace and tranquillity
They have all gone out

There is no loud music
The TV's not on
Soon they'll be back
But for the moment, they've gone
What A Great Party
Submitted By Hilda Mullinger
We had such fun at the party
Now to clean up the mess
I wouldn't mind if it was tidying up
But some people just couldn't care less

There is cake and bread stuck on the carpet
Red wine was spilt on a chair
There was even cream from a trifle
That seems to be stuck everywhere
How Many?
Submitted By Hilda Mullinger
My Granddaughter wants a party
For it's her birthday very soon
She wants to invite all of her friends
But I don't think we'll have enough room

She only wants to invite thirty
Well that is all of her class
I don't think I will offer to help
In fact if I'm asked, I think I will pass
Another Little Drink
Submitted By Hilda Mullinger
I like to have a little drink
Sometimes I'll have a double
Perhaps I'll have another one
But then that can be the trouble

They say you see pink flying pigs
When you have had one too many
But they can be lots of fun
More fun than not seeing any
Showing 1 - 24 of 296 Verses